You’ve probably already discovered that by staying clean and sober and by working the Twelve Steps of AA that things are getting better. Becoming a ”better person” means that we are less willing to engage in destructive behaviors, mostly because we are aware of how much they cost us in human misery. That self-centeredness is replaced by an awareness of other people, and instead of being indifferent, we begin to care.
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- Keeping in mind that, if I can’t add the kicker “I regret what I did, and I don’t do that anymore” then maybe I’m not ready to make that amend yet.
- It’s an opportunity for healing and personal growth, fostering patience, sincerity, and openness.
- It feels good to practice forgiveness and just let go of resentment!
- We come to understand that we are good people with a bad disease.
Facing the fact that omissions can be painful made this a powerfully healing step to do. And I keep on working it by staying sober, that is also a form of an amend. By making direct amends to the person harmed the temptation to skirt the issue because of embarrassment or pain is avoided. Step 9 is another one of the 12 steps, that initially appears most difficult, but the rewards of putting this principle into practice can be immense.
An Amend, Not an Apology
However, this future possibility should not keep you from working your steps. While many people are receptive and supportive to attempts to make amends, some are not. And some people in your life may not be receptive on your timeline.
Evidence-Based Addiction Treatments and Step 9 AA
Having a sponsor helps with the ninth step, living amends as sponsors work side-by-side with recovering alcoholics and help determine how to handle making amends. Many sponsors bring an awareness of why individuals are motivated to express amends and can question the beneficial purpose of sharing such information from the past. It is always necessary to be open-minded when working the steps because discussing your amends list with a sponsor can surface other avenues of the amends process that you may not have considered before. Perhaps, the amends that you wanted to make might not seem right after discussing with a sponsor. If making amends requires the recovering alcoholic to report a past crime, they must be willing to go to jail to complete this step on their road to a complete and limitless recovery. From the steps leading up to nine, recovering alcoholics begin to develop tools to handle stressful situations without liquor and believe in a Higher Power greater than themselves.
“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
But by prioritizing your recovery on a daily basis and doing whatever that next right thing might be for you, you will keep moving forward in living a life of good purpose. When first writing your list, don’t worry about including everyone you have wronged. Over time, as you strengthen and deepen your recovery from addiction, you will undoubtedly revisit Steps 8 and 9 many times. Eventually you will find you are making amends day by day through the positive actions you routinely take in living by Twelve Step principles.
Why Making Amends Can Be Difficult
This individual — whether a mentor, a trusted friend, or a sponsor — can provide support, guidance, and an external perspective as you navigate your path toward making amends. They serve as a source of encouragement, a mirror reflecting your progress, and sometimes, a gentle nudge when you falter. Remember that in AA, the concept of harm transcends mere physical or financial damage — it includes emotional or psychological distress, neglected responsibilities, and broken trust. As you remember your past, it’s crucial to reflect not just on your actions but also on the reactions and feelings of those involved.
Breaking Down Step Nine of AA Alcoholics Anonymous
It invites a sense of closure and peace into your life and the lives of those you’ve affected, fostering empathy, understanding, and the opportunity for renewed relationships. For example, if you neglected or mistreated your children while you were using alcohol, a simple apology may not repair the damage. Instead, you may need to engage in a dialogue with them over time. This may involve attending family therapy or individual therapy. You will need to demonstrate that you are committed to rebuilding trust and repairing your relationship with them.
- We cannot control how others respond, whether they will forgive or whether they will hold on to negative feelings or resentments.
- We strive to create content that is clear, concise, and easy to understand.
- You can help people who are affected by alcoholism by making a donation to the Cleveland District Office.
- Step eight is preparation for the action of step nine, which involves putting your recovery into action.
To make amends means to apologize for something you have done or for wronging someone in some way. It means mending, or (quite literally) fixing, the relationship. Begin by choosing an appropriate time and place, and communicate your intentions honestly and succinctly. Within the context of Step 9, making amends goes beyond mere apologies. An apology, while important, is often just a verbal recognition of wrongdoing. On the other hand, making amends involves an active effort to rectify the harm done.
Our sponsors can help us explore each of these concepts so that we gain perspective on the nature of our specific amends and stay focused on what we’re supposed to be doing. The key is that we keep the focus on ourselves and our “side of the street,” so to speak. Resolution as recovering addicts, means we likely have past experiences that plague us or disturb us in some way. Finding a resolution to these problems means coming up with answers and solutions and laying them to rest. Indirect Amends – finding ways to repair damage that cannot be reversed or undone by doing things like volunteering and helping others.
The part of the amends process whereby we change ourselves has an effect on everyone around us and goes on long after we’ve spoken directly to someone we have harmed. At this point in our step work we may be trudging the road to happy destiny, but we’ve reached the point where we must repair what we left behind us on a path of shattered relationships. As active addicts and alcoholics, we likely lied, cheated, or stole in order to get, use (and hide using) our drug of choice… because addiction creates absolute moral wreckage.
